


Rubbing salt in the wound

by joouheika



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Gen, Manga Spoilers, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 08:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15481479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joouheika/pseuds/joouheika
Summary: It’s no surprise to Historia; that only a ghost can hear this requiem.  SPOILERS UP TO CHP 107





	Rubbing salt in the wound

The girl named Historia is alone.

That is what she thought.

The girl named Krista had Ymir.

Once Ymir left, Historia truly emerged. A hollow shell. A vessel. A ghost who had kept on living under the guise of being alive, yes, as “Krista Lenz”. She had been told that, she had been taught and warned that. Historia is dead and only Krista can be alive. But that isn’t what Ymir wanted for her, and she had found- even as that ghost that she is- what Ymir wanted, she had wanted it too.

So she had felt.

To live as she chooses, like Ymir, to have the chance to be born again. Ymir had given her that opportunity. So selfishly she had thought, not as the good girl Krista, but the always abandoned Historia- that Ymir would be with her even then. To the end of all days and the start of them too. They’d see the dawn together and live as they saw fit.

In a way, that was merely her relying on Ymir. Historia has no goals, no dreams of her own. As it had been intended- she exists for others and not herself. It’s so stupid. Ymir is so stupid, in the end Ymir’s selfishness too is the kindness she’d scoffed and warned Krista about.

It is the kindness Frieda had shown and taught Historia.

When her father directed her to regain her sealed memories from Eren, locked by Frieda. She’d realised that abandoned girl had not really been alone. Her perception a misconception. The emptiness she’d felt and sought to fill with Ymir, had been the spot where Frieda had once been. Not to say that they were alike too much; even if they were self sacrificing for others. Historia had simply reached for that kindness and warmth of theirs she’d mimicked, to hold her. She wanted that genuine “feeling” to stand in in the spot where her played out “sincerity” couldn’t entirely cover.

As Krista she’d been trying to sacrifice herself for herself. For Historia’s sake who would not get to lead her life. She’d go out in a blaze of glory like Ymir had accused, to show them all that Krista doesn’t need to live for her to have purpose. In a way, those moments where she died as Krista would be Historia living as they’d denied.

She’d wished for that, but without the luster the visions the others carry and exist for. She is envious. Even what she wants for herself falls short.

At that time after they’d been captured. When her father had wanted her to consume Eren and inherit the Founding Titan. She’d been wanting to fill that void again. A spot devoid of colour. A field of white flowers. Must it be stained only by the red of fallen dusk? Red until crimson, until black. The darkest point in the deep, cool lake of hallowed possibility. Where Frieda was, from where Ymir left, in where Historia is. Historia is allowed to be, and has remained unlike Krista, for this purpose. Like Kenny said, she is a spare part. Never thought necessary but kept anyway. Junk that once thought they could part with, hastily picked up again like a Lord who’s become a pauper, to any old scrap.

She had wavered.

With the serum at hand.

She had rationalised.

At the contradiction Frieda had left behind.

Then-

She had remembered Ymir.

How is she supposed to live?

Not knowing the truth, not understanding as a soldier who had fought alongside the others. Why had Frieda chosen not to fight? Not to struggle? She knows now but she’d not known then and so had decided to live. Historia will live for herself. As herself. As Ymir had inspired her. Saved her. That one time is too good for her already. A ghost who’s returned to be the living. For truly. She can’t be saved. She who’d been abandoned and forgotten already and she need not forgive that. She’s rotten to the core. She’s a bad girl. Even so. Since she can’t be saved any longer she will now save others.

Eren who will be tormented by this fate that should have been hers.

The orphans of the underground who’d been thrown away as she had been.

The people of the walls; because she is their Queen and this is their paradise that enough blood has been shed for already.

She had chosen herself, to live her life as Historia Reiss, the true ruler of these walls.

She had wanted to live as Ymir had said, with her head held high, because she’d decided for herself. What makes her happy. How her life will be fulfilled.

But, in a way... this is exactly as it’d been before wasn’t it?

The horrible secrets her family had kept, she alone carries them. Just as she will carry the royal children borne from her womb to a fate she didn’t have to bear. 

Their future is decided for them, exactly as Ymir, and even Eren had fought so she could decide for her own- what future she wants. Even as she didn’t know. She didn’t know it would turn out like this. If she had known would she have inherited the Founding Titan as her father had wanted? Would that have really changed this fate?

Eren is trying to change fate, that is why he left to see what it is that lies across the sea. Historia will never go there, or to the shore where their ports are. She will stay here, far behind the walls where it is safe. She would lament this cage but she has chosen it for herself. In order to help and protect others she must sacrifice her freedom... and the liberty of her descendants.

Until another answer is found.

They’d been searching for the truth thinking that’d be the key to freedom. But the world is more complex than they’d ever dreamt it to be. Least, how everyone else had dreamt it. Since she had no dream to begin with. No ambition nor desire. She doesn’t want to let those who had saved her down so she’ll do her best in the role she’s picked. 

It’s bittersweet. That she at least had that power to choose. She wonders. The dreams she didn’t have, will these children of hers have them?

Will they be able to live their lives to the fullest despite their fate? A tragedy that keeps repeating itself because even with this cruel world knowing its mistakes of before, still it must repeat them?

That’s one thing she is proud of as the Queen Historia Reiss, she has returned the history of Paradi to the people.

She decided.

Even if it is cruel.

With that history at least, their offspring, their future will be able to figure out a way they couldn’t see.

So fixated on a horizon they’d longed for, they couldn’t appreciate the light of a dawn breaking in another time where they are history themselves.

Surely, there is another way to live.

A place where everyone has been saved from this cycle. The harrowing throes of the last notes of this long drawn out requiem that has been her existence. The Reiss. The Fritz.

So the woman named Historia hopes.

She doesn’t dare call it a dream, knowing that with the dawn-

The dream may vanish.


End file.
